Thoughts From Scolaw

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Time To Think

It has been a few days since I posted anything to this blog, but I took some time to think about what was ahead for me in life. The life I struggle with everyday is one of boredom and sadness, if I let it get to me. You see, I haven't been able to hold a job for almost a year now, due to a disabling form of pain acquired from two herniated discs. After four surgeries to somehow correct the intensity of pain, nothing worked. At least the Doctors came out of it like bandits.

What is left in my back and right leg is excruciating pain from permanent damage in the sciatica nerve, running from hip to foot. God knows I would never wish this on anyone, not even my worst enemy, though I do have a few. It takes away the enjoyment of life and renders me helpless by not being one-hundred percent to do the things I used to love to do. Even so much as showing my family the love that they are deserving of is strained.

I'm sure some of you have woke up with back pain before. For a few days it hurts like hell, then goes away with no further complications. Such was not the case with me. After having surgery performed in 1994 on a herniated disc, the Doctor(?)(whom I later found out was not board certified to do surgery, then committed suicide because of mounting problems with divorce, gambling debts and tax evasion) did not take the disc out. Instead, he cut away the part of the herniated disc that was putting pressure on the nerve. Problem being, he didn't cut enough of it to stay off the nerve. Long story short, continued problems with my back, until it got to the point to where I couldn't walk very well. The nerve stayed pinched for 8 years, thus resulting in permanent nerve damage.

I was angry for awhile. Angry at the fact that I put my trust into this Doctor(?) to solve my problem. Angry at God for doing this to me. Angry at my family for having to tend to me, whereas I was very independent before. Angry at losing the way of life I was used to. Angry at everyone I saw who could walk, sit or lay down without pain. I was depressed beyond depressed, and considered ways to end the pain. Could I kill myself? Absolutely not. I have 3 reasons not to consider this. Could I amputate my leg, thereby solving the problem? It was an option I pondered on. People who are amputees have a better shot at finding work than I do in my present state. At least they are out of pain, and can work around their disability. I can only take pain pills, anti-depressants and muscle relaxers to get me through the day.

So, that is where I am at. I just hit 40 a couple of months ago, and that fact adds to an already scrambled brain. What can a 40 year old man do at this point of his life? The only regret I have from my younger days was not getting a college degree in something, even if it was tiddly-winks. At least it would be something to fall back on. The search continues for that perfect job that meets the high standards I set for myself. Maybe I need to lower the bar a little, start slow, and build up to the climax. Even doing it that way is painful. I expect to come out with guns blazing, and have everything just perfect in no time at all. Not in this day in age. I should know better. But, the saga continues, so stay tuned for more insight into my never-ending grasp for perfection.

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